is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
