i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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