It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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