ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
