i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You've changed since you got that strap on
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
