I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize