i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
