Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
