Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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