I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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