I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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