apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
