You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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