don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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