come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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