i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
birth control should be required to get into college
should my penis look like a turkey
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
