I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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