Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
