the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
