i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
