apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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