Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
