please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
