PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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