I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wish I only lived at night.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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