I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
