seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
