I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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