I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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