I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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