hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize