Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
