I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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