Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
