my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize