I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
