I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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