Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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