I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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