So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
