No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
this will be a night to untag.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
