I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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