I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize