It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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