You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
