i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
