she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
