I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
