I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
