On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
