dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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