I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
