i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
FUCK WHALES
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize