Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
