At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
