We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
