Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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