It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
