My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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