My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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