I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
