Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
