I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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