remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
